Tips to ease the holiday blues if you have cancer

Holiday stress and cancer

Beyond the normal holiday stresses, cancer patients may have unique concerns including:

• Compromised immunity and whether they should travel on a plane or participate in large gatherings
• Feeling guilty about not being able to or interested in doing the usual shopping, decorating or socializing
• Fatigue or just not feeling well
• Sadness over missing the regular holiday traditions
• Worry about not meeting the expectations others may have for the holiday

As the holidays approach, take a moment to reflect on how you’re feeling about the upcoming celebrations, experts say.

“Slow down. Listen to what you need as the patient or, if you’re a friend or loved one of a patient, check in with them,” advises Nicole Peeke, LCSW, ACHP-SW, the Couples Counselor with the Couples Coping Together Against Brain Cancer program at City of Hope Cancer Center Duarte. “Communicate about how things are feeling for you during the holidays and if it feels like a lot. Ask, ‘Is this holiday feeling stressful?’ Or a friend or loved one may ask, ‘How can I support you?’

“Practice compassion with yourself and the changes that come with a cancer diagnosis. Remember you are doing the best you can everyday.”

As a cancer patient, give yourself permission to focus on your needs—especially if you traditionally are the holiday planner and host, Thomas says.

“This is a time to take care of yourself and re-prioritize what’s most important to you,” she says. “That really should be the primary focus this year—give yourself permission to prioritize your health – physical, mental, and emotional.”

To help manage the holiday blues, the experts suggest you:

• Keep lines of communication open and expectations reasonable so plans can move forward smoothly
• Be realistic and honest with yourself about what you need
• Be flexible and keep an open mind on potential new ways to celebrate
• Focus on your priorities

Here are some other suggestions for navigating the holidays with cancer.

Get medical input

First, check in with your health care team to discuss what may be best health-wise given your treatment and condition. Your team may realistically advise you on travel and how to protect yourself, what vaccines you may need en route and in gathering with large numbers of family and friends, and how to schedule treatments or doctor visits if you are away.

Redefine tradition

Peeke says for some of her patients, keeping their age-old holiday traditions is very important “because it’s something they can control. There are no surprises. They’re things they’ve done in the past.”

But if those traditions are beyond reach this year, she advises redefining those traditions.

“Think about creating one or two new traditions. If there are things you can continue to do health-wise, embrace the old. But embrace some changes or new ideas with your friends and family that are realistic for your health,” she says.

Ideas include:

• Hosting holiday events instead of traveling
• Asking someone else to entertain, if you usually host and don’t feel up to it this year
• Going out to a restaurant for the main meal
• Ordering in food rather than trying to cook everything

Keep it simple

If you don’t have the energy or interest in the usual festivities, opt for a scaled down, simpler celebration.

“Simplify the decoration and the plans a little bit,” Thomas suggests. “Maybe don’t go all out but put something up that makes you feel festive. Or do celebrate with some family or friends, but not the big gathering that you normally do.

“I talk a lot with my patients about how these are temporary changes,” Thomas says. “This is not forever. It might be just this year that is different. Try not to get tripped up that it’s going to be different forever.”

Keep it real

Acknowledge that you may indeed be feeling blue, says Rev. Jeffrey Paparone, M.Div., chaplain at City of Hope Cancer Center Phoenix.

“Give yourself permission to feel bad,” he says. “Things are different from this year to last. At lot of times patients have never been told they can be angry, be depressed, be upset. It’s an emotion we have. It’s an appropriate emotion for the circumstances in life.”

If you get stuck in the negative emotions to the point where you can’t function normally day to day, Rev. Paparone says to seek professional help, whether it’s with a trusted clergy member or someone on your health care team.

Maintain open, honest lines of communication

If you are clear on how you are feeling and know what you want, communicate clearly and openly with loved ones.

“Be really specific about what this is like for you and what you hope for this holiday season,” Thomas says. “You might say, ‘I just don’t have the energy, but I really want to be close. That’s what is important to me and I wonder if we could try things a little differently this year so we can be together.’”

Adjust priorities

While the holiday expectations may involve elaborate decorations, a fancy feast and thoughtful and generous presents for everyone, it may be more important to focus on and be grateful for the less visible gifts.

“The holidays are about gathering with people you love, who care about you,” Peeke says. “And even if it looks a little different this year, just enjoy the time that day. Really enjoy the presence of time. Support each other in letting go of some of that guilt and expectation and that things in the past may have looked a little differently. Focus on gathering and the things that we do have together as opposed to the deficits and the things that are different. Being with loved ones reflects the spirit of togetherness of the holidays.”